He Gifts Us with Tears That Wash the Temple of Our Hearts

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I recall one incident that happened at Sree Caitanya Gauḍīya Maṭha in Kolkata when I was in Śrīla Gurudeva's room. At that time, I revealed my struggle to Śrīla Gurudeva regarding japa: “Whenever I chant japa, my mind is going more or less everywhere, it seems impossible for me to keep it on the Holy Name."

I saw that Guru Mahārāja was really intensely looking at me, but not with scary eyes which can see whatever I am thinking, but with eyes full of compassion. And then he was so concerned about this and just told me, "Do not fear." That is what I was really hearing and feeling. And he gave the example of a child. When a child starts to walk he always falls and it seems almost impossible for him to walk. It just seems like something that is unreachable, so far away. But we all know that any child, if he keeps trying, keeps trying, he will walk one day.

So he told me, "Do not fear. If you keep trying and always bring your mind back under the Holy Name, then you will succeed." Then he looked at Tamal Kṛṣṇa Prabhu and asked for one garland and he put the garland on me. I really felt the love of a mother and that thing that the Christian mystics call "the gift of  tears." Those tears were not from sadness or joy, but were like a gift of God that came through Gurudev. And then for maybe two hours I was just crying. But these kind of tears I do not know from where these kind of tears came but I could actually really feel it was a gift from Guru Mahārāja. 

Years later when I read the writings of Christian mystics describing those tears as a gift from God, it said that those tears wash the floor of the temple of the heart and that hope acts like the sun which is drying up the floor.  I could really feel afterwards that Guru Mahārāja gave me this experience only through his look and these few words. Although I had heard those same words from other vaiṣṇavas, they never touched my heart like this. This experience also gave me a lot of hope. 

So I could really feel that by this grace of Śrīla Gurudev I could experience these kind of universal teachings that only a few devotees can give. By this grace of Śrīla Gurudev, I’m now able to connect to the essence of other mystical schools, even if the form is different. So that is what I love.

When Anaṅga Mañjarī spoke, she shared her desire to honor Guru Mahārāja's wish to see unity amongst all the vaiṣṇavas (and by extension to any mystical tradition.) We should whenever vaiṣṇavas want to come to our place, we may invite them and try to make them comfortable. 

I remember when different saṅgas (groups) would come during parikramā to Sree Caitanya Gauḍīya Maṭha, Guru Mahārāja would always ask them to speak. So we may have this same kind of vision of a saṅga composed of devotees from different maṭhas getting along quite nicely. It’s still a challenge to stay in balance, but we can remain always striving for the essence. 

And whenever vaiṣṇavas are coming, it creates some kind of healthy tension because it helps me to keep this vision of Guru Mahārāja that is beyond duality and to see the common ground of all the vaiṣṇavas or the spiritual seekers. So it is a good exercise for me because I have a very binary mind, always judging things as good or bad, forgetting that whatever happens is divine mercy. 

So during those moments when we have saṅga meetings or visits from different vaiṣṇavas (or spiritual seekers), I must develop a more contemplative mind beyond the duality and feel the bhakti that can nourish my heart. Different vaiṣṇavas have different ways to express that same supreme truth. 

So I think that for me, this is one of the best gifts that Guru Mahārāja gave me, this glimpse beyond duality, and now I feel that he is taking my hand, guiding me through my life to help me transform my mind from binary to contemplative, to seek the essence beyond the forms. Guru Mahārāja gives his instruction through love and affection.

—Uddhava Dāsa (France)

June 11, 2023, spoken in English




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