Realisation of His Divine Qualities Increases in Separation
I offer my unlimited humble obeisances at Srila Gurudeva’s lotus feet and pray for his mercy so that I can continue to serve him with love and devotion for the rest of my life and forever after. My experience of Srila Gurudeva’s disappearance from this world taught me many valuable lessons in life and in Krsna consciousness, and I hope that by sharing these experiences others will be inspired in their service to Guru and Krsna.
I was supervising the men’s asrama at the Krishna House, the preaching center I stay at when I heard of Srila Gurudeva's heart attack. I was hoping that Srila Gurudeva would miraculously recover like he did over three years ago at the Guwahati hospital, but as the days went on, Gurudeva’s health updates made it clear that he was planning on disappearing from our vision this time. I was amazed to find out that the doctor’s declared that no one could live in a body with such a low heart rate and multi-organ failure, and I understood from this that Srila Gurudeva was choosing to remain here for some purpose.
I was thinking about whether to fly to India to have Srila Gurudeva’s darsana. I had a lot of responsibilities to take care of where I live, and I was wondering what Srila Gurudeva’s desire was. Our godbrother Madan Gopal Prabhu reminded me of one of Srila Gurudeva’s letters in Affectionately Yours (page 158) where he recalls the pastime of Srila Param Gurudeva disappearing from this world. Srila Gurudeva explained that even at the time of the spiritual master disappearing from this world, the disciple shouldn’t become unbalanced. He said there, “The target of a bona fide devotee should always be for the satisfaction of the object of worship and not for anything else.” I also remembered that Srila Prabhupada explained in the 4th canto 28th chapter of the Srimad-Bhāgavatam that we should take advantage of the vapuh (physical presence) of the spiritual master if it is available. When I was with Srila Bharati Maharaja in Chandigarh for Kartik in 2014, I asked him if I should pray for Srila Gurudeva to stay in this world. He firmly said no, that I should focus on Srila Gurudeva’s desire.
I was praying for several days and was feeling great separation from my Godbrothers upon seeing a webcast of the devotees doing bhajans for Srila Gurudeva’s pleasure. On Saturday, April 15th, I had a dream of Srila Gurudeva passing by me and glancing at me. I felt comforted, taking this to be a reminder that Srila Gurudeva was watching me. With the increasingly dire health updates, I was deeply worried that Srila Gurudeva was going to disappear on Srila
Bhakti Kumud Santa Maharaja’s Vyasa puja on the 17th. I prayed to Srila Santa Maharaja to help me to do what would please my Gurudeva the most since they had a very affectionate relationship. That evening, I was speaking with a devotee named Ekayani Devi Dasi about all of this, and she helped me to realize that I really needed it. Srila Gurudeva’s darsana one last time before he left this world. She inspired me to fly to see Srila Gurudeva as soon as possible, for which I am eternally grateful. I am deeply grateful to Ekayani didi and to Tulasirani didi for taking great anxiety to cover my services while I was gone, I am deeply grateful to Kalakantha Prabhu for funding my trip to have Srila Gurudeva’s last darsana and helping me to approach Srila Gurudeva with a mood of dedicating the rest of my life to his service, and I am deeply grateful to everyone who prayed for me to make it on time to have Srila Gurudeva’s darsana before he left this world. I flew out the very next day.
I arrived at the Kolkata Math at around 9 PM on April 19th. I was overjoyed to hear the ecstatic kirtans by my godbrothers. When I had Srila Gurudeva’s darsana, he looked golden and effulgent, just like he did during my last trip. I felt like I was in the spiritual world; it seemed like Srila Gurudeva could stay with us eternally and we would just keep doing kirtan all day and night indefinitely. I tried to go to sleep that night, but with the glorious, blissful kirtans sung throughout the night, I was unable to sleep.
The next morning, Nandulal Prabhu called me in to have Srila Turyasrami Maharaja’s darsana. I edited the translation of his book, “Kaliyuger Yuga Dharma,” so he graciously signed a copy of his book and gave it to me with his own hands. He explained to me that Srila Gurudeva was in Vasudeva sanga: he was already participating in Krsna’s eternal pastimes and, at the same time, was staying here physically to engage all of us in performing sankirtan and thus purify all of us, even the microscopic living entities in the body of Srila Gurudeva! He also said that Srila Gurudeva was remaining here to wait for a dear disciple who was wanting to have his darsana.
As night came, there was so much ecstatic kirtan and so many wonderful devotees we wanted to hear from that I really wished that I could give up my need for sleep so that I could participate in more of the Hari-katha and kirtan. As we sang Radha-Kunda Tata for Srila Gurudeva, he ended his pastimes in this world at 10:15 PM. I was numb when I realized that it had finally happened: Srila Gurudeva had disappeared from this world. I remember Srila Gurudeva being pleased with me when I would do kirtan with Gaurasundara Prabhu, so I joined him in the kirtan while the devotees were having Srila Gurudeva’s darsana.
I was supervising the men’s asrama at the Krishna House, the preaching center I stay at when I heard of Srila Gurudeva's heart attack. I was hoping that Srila Gurudeva would miraculously recover like he did over three years ago at the Guwahati hospital, but as the days went on, Gurudeva’s health updates made it clear that he was planning on disappearing from our vision this time. I was amazed to find out that the doctor’s declared that no one could live in a body with such a low heart rate and multi-organ failure, and I understood from this that Srila Gurudeva was choosing to remain here for some purpose.
I was thinking about whether to fly to India to have Srila Gurudeva’s darsana. I had a lot of responsibilities to take care of where I live, and I was wondering what Srila Gurudeva’s desire was. Our godbrother Madan Gopal Prabhu reminded me of one of Srila Gurudeva’s letters in Affectionately Yours (page 158) where he recalls the pastime of Srila Param Gurudeva disappearing from this world. Srila Gurudeva explained that even at the time of the spiritual master disappearing from this world, the disciple shouldn’t become unbalanced. He said there, “The target of a bona fide devotee should always be for the satisfaction of the object of worship and not for anything else.” I also remembered that Srila Prabhupada explained in the 4th canto 28th chapter of the Srimad-Bhāgavatam that we should take advantage of the vapuh (physical presence) of the spiritual master if it is available. When I was with Srila Bharati Maharaja in Chandigarh for Kartik in 2014, I asked him if I should pray for Srila Gurudeva to stay in this world. He firmly said no, that I should focus on Srila Gurudeva’s desire.
I was praying for several days and was feeling great separation from my Godbrothers upon seeing a webcast of the devotees doing bhajans for Srila Gurudeva’s pleasure. On Saturday, April 15th, I had a dream of Srila Gurudeva passing by me and glancing at me. I felt comforted, taking this to be a reminder that Srila Gurudeva was watching me. With the increasingly dire health updates, I was deeply worried that Srila Gurudeva was going to disappear on Srila
Bhakti Kumud Santa Maharaja’s Vyasa puja on the 17th. I prayed to Srila Santa Maharaja to help me to do what would please my Gurudeva the most since they had a very affectionate relationship. That evening, I was speaking with a devotee named Ekayani Devi Dasi about all of this, and she helped me to realize that I really needed it. Srila Gurudeva’s darsana one last time before he left this world. She inspired me to fly to see Srila Gurudeva as soon as possible, for which I am eternally grateful. I am deeply grateful to Ekayani didi and to Tulasirani didi for taking great anxiety to cover my services while I was gone, I am deeply grateful to Kalakantha Prabhu for funding my trip to have Srila Gurudeva’s last darsana and helping me to approach Srila Gurudeva with a mood of dedicating the rest of my life to his service, and I am deeply grateful to everyone who prayed for me to make it on time to have Srila Gurudeva’s darsana before he left this world. I flew out the very next day.
I arrived at the Kolkata Math at around 9 PM on April 19th. I was overjoyed to hear the ecstatic kirtans by my godbrothers. When I had Srila Gurudeva’s darsana, he looked golden and effulgent, just like he did during my last trip. I felt like I was in the spiritual world; it seemed like Srila Gurudeva could stay with us eternally and we would just keep doing kirtan all day and night indefinitely. I tried to go to sleep that night, but with the glorious, blissful kirtans sung throughout the night, I was unable to sleep.
The next morning, Nandulal Prabhu called me in to have Srila Turyasrami Maharaja’s darsana. I edited the translation of his book, “Kaliyuger Yuga Dharma,” so he graciously signed a copy of his book and gave it to me with his own hands. He explained to me that Srila Gurudeva was in Vasudeva sanga: he was already participating in Krsna’s eternal pastimes and, at the same time, was staying here physically to engage all of us in performing sankirtan and thus purify all of us, even the microscopic living entities in the body of Srila Gurudeva! He also said that Srila Gurudeva was remaining here to wait for a dear disciple who was wanting to have his darsana.
As night came, there was so much ecstatic kirtan and so many wonderful devotees we wanted to hear from that I really wished that I could give up my need for sleep so that I could participate in more of the Hari-katha and kirtan. As we sang Radha-Kunda Tata for Srila Gurudeva, he ended his pastimes in this world at 10:15 PM. I was numb when I realized that it had finally happened: Srila Gurudeva had disappeared from this world. I remember Srila Gurudeva being pleased with me when I would do kirtan with Gaurasundara Prabhu, so I joined him in the kirtan while the devotees were having Srila Gurudeva’s darsana.
While I was waiting in line to have Srila Gurudeva’s darsana, I saw my Godsister Ananga Manjari didi. She had arrived at the Math right when I did the night before. After talking with her and a few other devotees, I realized that Srila Gurudeva had waited for the two of us before leaving this world. I remembered Turyasrami Maharaja’s instructions that morning about how Srila Gurudeva was waiting to give a dear disciple his darsana before he left. I am deeply touched to know that Srila Gurudeva was concerned for me, an insignificant disciple of his who has rendered very little service to him, at the time of his disappearance. Srila Gurudeva’s mood in accepting the post of acharya on the order of his Gurudeva was that he saw that Param Gurudeva put him in that post to protect him. Similarly, I know that my faith in Krsna was weak and I always doubted Krsna’s love in my life. By this final act, Srila Gurudeva helped me to see that both he and Krsna love me unconditionally, regardless of my selfishness, insecurities, and any number of mistakes and offenses I have made.
I was still feeling numb at heart when I first saw Srila Gurudeva after he had left his body. I paid my obeisances and touched my head to his lotus feet for the first and last time. I touched his lotus feet and put the dust on my head and heart, knowing that it is only by the dust of the lotus feet of pure devotees that we can develop our taste for Krsna consciousness (SB 11.14.16 in Srila Visvanatha Cakravarti’s purport), and praying that I may forever hold Srila Gurudeva’s lotus feet in my heart. As I circumambulated Srila Gurudeva and looked at his closed eyes, I was reminded of when I had felt an immense wave of his compassion while having his darsana at the Guwahati hospital three years ago. It wasn’t until I paid my obeisances to him and chanted his pranam mantras after circumambulating him that I felt the acute pain of separation from him, as well as immense gratitude for all the love and mercy he has shown me.
Srila Gurudeva heard my prayer for giving up the need for sleep: I stayed up all night chanting with the devotees singing bhajans like Radha-Krsna Bol Bol and followed Srila Gurudeva’s procession to Mayapura the next day by his mercy. We offered flowers and garlands to him at around 6 in the morning and we chanted Je anilo prema dhana for him. I sat at Srila Gurudeva’s lotus feet and prayed that I would always be able to remember him and serve him.
As Srila Gurudeva was brought into Param Gurudeva’s bhajan kutir for the last time, I remembered my first meetings with Srila Gurudeva in that room. I feel it was an undeserved blessing that I was able to witness such an intimate exchange between Srila Gurudeva and Srila Param-gurudeva. I received so much love from Srila Gurudeva in my first meetings with him shortly before he began his sickness pastimes of not speaking with us. I pray that my life will be spent sharing the love that Srila Gurudeva gave to me during those sweet darsanas. When my Godbrothers and God-uncles carried Srila Gurudeva down into the Natha Mandira for his last darsana with their Lordships Sri-Sri Guru-Gauranga Radha-Nayananatha, I had the fortune of being able to watch this arati of Srila Gurudeva from the altar. Their Lordships had the most resplendent golden clothes on. I can’t quite describe the feeling I had when I saw their Lordships take their last darsana of Srila Gurudeva as Srila Acharya Maharaja and Srikantha Prabhu performed arati to him. It was a mix of joy at his joining their eternal pastimes and sorrow at leaving the world bereft of his manifested presence.
Then began the procession to Sridhama Mayapura. I and countless others were awestruck at the beauty of Srila Gurudeva’s bus and procession—at all the love and devotion put into making this festival a beautiful memory for the rest of our lives. I pray that I will develop that kind of love and devotion for Srila Gurudeva and Śrīla Prabhupada in the course of my sadhana and my occupation throughout my life. The procession to Sri Mayapura was like Jagannatha’s Rathayatra because the devotees were loudly doing kirtan the whole way and we stopped at various places so that devotees in different areas could offer their heartfelt love and devotion to Srila Gurudeva before he entered samadhi, similar to how Jagannatha will sometimes stop his chariot to receive the service of his devotees.
We arrived at the Sri Caitanya Math of Śrīla Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakur at around 6 in the evening on April 21st, the disappearance of Srila Vrndavana Das Thakur, when the sky was already dark. We then followed Srila Gurudeva’s bus, which was decorated beautifully like a Rathayatra cart, on foot to the Sree Caitanya Gaudiya Math. I was touched to see sannyasis and acharyas of many different Gaudiya temples offering their homage to Srila Gurudeva. The experience of all the devotees collectively praying and crying out to Srila Gurudeva out of gratitude and longing to continue serving him was simultaneously so sweet and painful.
Early the next morning, I was circumambulating Srila Gurudeva and taking his darsana, well aware that this Ekadasi day was the last day of my life that I would have his darsana with my eyes. I prayed to be able to continue serving him eternally, both in this life and in the next. I wondered where Srila Gurudeva was in Sri-Sri Radha-Krsna’s eternal pastimes and how he was serving them. By seeing the beautiful Tulasi leaves covering his eyes, I meditated on how Tulasi is always at the lotus feet of Sri Krsna and how Srila Gurudeva is serving the divine couple under the guidance of Srimati Vrnda Devi herself now. At first, I felt myself unqualified to even desire to join Srila Gurudeva in those eternal pastimes of the divine couple, but then I realized that Śrīla Gurudeva came to this world to invite all of us to join him in serving Sri-Sri Radha-Krsna in Vraja eternally. I felt a strong desire to go back home, back to Godhead, so that I could be reunited with Gurudeva eternally. I now feel the desire to be the kind of devotee that will make Srila Gurudeva proud and pleased while I’m in this world; I want to reciprocate with Srila Gurudeva by living an exemplary life dedicated to serving and pleasing him. I pray for his mercy and for the blessings of whoever is reading this so that I can live my life in a way that will please him and be a beautiful offering to him.
Growing up in Srila Prabhupada’s ISKCON, my heart was touched to see how the devotees at the Mayapura Candrodaya Mandir showered flowers on Srila Gurudeva as he went through the front gate, and I was moved by the honor that Jananivasa Prabhu, Nityananda Maharaja, Tusta Krsna Prabhu, and other devotees showed to Srila Gurudeva. Srila Gurudeva led an exemplary life and maintained nice relationships with Vaisnavas of many different branches of our sampradaya, the Caitanya tree. I pray that I may always follow in Srila Gurudeva’s footsteps in maintaining sweet, loving relationships with Vaisnavas of various branches of our sampradaya.
The Maha-abhisekha of Srila Gurudeva is the single most beautiful thing I have ever had the fortune of witnessing in my entire life. Darsane pavitra koro ei tomara guna: Simply by having the darsana of the pure devotee, we are purified. We are fortunate if we have darsana of a pure devotee, and we are even more fortunate if we can appreciate the spiritual beauty of their form, which is transcendental due to their life of saranagati, surrender, at the lotus feet of Guru and Krsna.
I appreciate and admire my senior Godbrothers again and again for the regal throne and garlands they made for Srila Gurudeva, for how they prepared the samadhi pit, and for how gently and carefully they handled the transcendental body of Srila Gurudeva. I’ll never forget the final honors they gave to Srila Gurudeva, and I’ll never forget the service of placing sand on his samadhi and circumambulating him. I chanted the rest of my japa that day with the prayer that I would be able to stay connected to Srila Gurudeva in the core of my heart, especially now that he is physically absent from our lives.
After the viraha-sabha (festival in separation) the next day, my Godbrother Gaurasundara Prabhu and I both went to the Ganges in the evening to bathe and chant Gayatri. The skies were gray and the water of Mother Ganga was almost still. Gaurasundara Prabhu remarked that the Ganga was silent in mourning at the departure of Srila Gurudeva. As we started to do our ahnik in the Ganga, the waves became bigger and bigger, the wind became stronger, and fierce rain came down on us. We ran to the shore with the wind striking our backs with sand as fallen tree branches blocked the road. We understood that now Ganga Devi was weeping. A day or two later, Shyama Das Babaji Maharaja remarked that Prthvi-devi (Mother Earth) was crying now that she no longer gets the touch of Srila Gurudeva’s lotus feet as he dances ecstatically in sankirtan.
I have received some powerful instructions after Srila Gurudeva’s departure that I want to share here and purify my own heart by remembering. I returned to the Kolkata Math a few days later and Srila Turyasrami Maharaja told me that by loudly and intensely chanting Harinama and remembering Srila Gurudeva I can connect with him in his absence. I was touched to hear the offerings from the devotee’s hearts during the viraha-sabha in Kolkata, especially when Srila Acharya Maharaja said that, after the disappearance of Srila Param Gurudeva, he literally saw tears coming from Srila Gurudeva’s eyes like torrents of rain.
I had the great fortune of meeting Srila Radhanatha Swami shortly before and after Srila Gurudeva’s disappearance pastime. When I saw him in New York after Srila Gurudeva’s disappearance, he told me that it is a great loss for the world to lose such an exalted Vaisnava with such pure love for Krsna, and it is a blessing that Srila Gurudeva disappeared in such a gracious way. He shared from his own experience of Srila Prabhupada’s disappearance from this world that when he is sincerely performing his sadhana and service, he feels more connected to Srila Prabhupada than times when he was sitting directly with Srila Prabhupada in the temple room. He congratulated me on my good fortune of being present at Srila Gurudeva’s departure and reminded me that by sincere service and sadhana, I can stay connected with Srila Gurudeva.
At the Krishna House where I live, we studied the Uddhava-Gita in the 11th canto of the Srimad-Bhagavatam over the course of the summer following Srila Gurudeva’s departure. I felt that it was Krsna’s arrangement that I study this because it starts with Sri Uddhava asking Krsna about how he will be able to continue serving Krsna after his disappearance from this world. The Uddhava Gita ends with Uddhava asking a question that we, as Srila Gurudeva’s disciples and followers, are all asking now: “Obeisances unto You, O greatest of yogīs. Please instruct me, who am surrendered unto You, how I may have undeviating attachment to Your lotus feet.” (SB 11.29.40). Part of Krsna’s response, which I believe is relevant for all of us who desire to stay connected with Srila Gurudeva now that he has disappeared from our vision, is this: “…Thus you should remain content and free from desire, tolerant of all dualities, good-natured, self-controlled, peaceful and endowed with transcendental knowledge and realization. With fixed attention, meditate constantly upon these instructions I have imparted to you and assimilate their essence. Fix your words and thoughts upon Me, and always endeavor to increase your realization of My transcendental qualities. In this way, you will cross beyond the destinations of the three modes of nature and finally come back to Me.” (SB 11.29.41-44).
vāñchā-kalpa-tarubhyaś ca
kṛpā-sindhubhya eva ca
patitānāṁ pāvanebhyo
vaiṣṇavebhyo namo namaḥ
I was still feeling numb at heart when I first saw Srila Gurudeva after he had left his body. I paid my obeisances and touched my head to his lotus feet for the first and last time. I touched his lotus feet and put the dust on my head and heart, knowing that it is only by the dust of the lotus feet of pure devotees that we can develop our taste for Krsna consciousness (SB 11.14.16 in Srila Visvanatha Cakravarti’s purport), and praying that I may forever hold Srila Gurudeva’s lotus feet in my heart. As I circumambulated Srila Gurudeva and looked at his closed eyes, I was reminded of when I had felt an immense wave of his compassion while having his darsana at the Guwahati hospital three years ago. It wasn’t until I paid my obeisances to him and chanted his pranam mantras after circumambulating him that I felt the acute pain of separation from him, as well as immense gratitude for all the love and mercy he has shown me.
Srila Gurudeva heard my prayer for giving up the need for sleep: I stayed up all night chanting with the devotees singing bhajans like Radha-Krsna Bol Bol and followed Srila Gurudeva’s procession to Mayapura the next day by his mercy. We offered flowers and garlands to him at around 6 in the morning and we chanted Je anilo prema dhana for him. I sat at Srila Gurudeva’s lotus feet and prayed that I would always be able to remember him and serve him.
As Srila Gurudeva was brought into Param Gurudeva’s bhajan kutir for the last time, I remembered my first meetings with Srila Gurudeva in that room. I feel it was an undeserved blessing that I was able to witness such an intimate exchange between Srila Gurudeva and Srila Param-gurudeva. I received so much love from Srila Gurudeva in my first meetings with him shortly before he began his sickness pastimes of not speaking with us. I pray that my life will be spent sharing the love that Srila Gurudeva gave to me during those sweet darsanas. When my Godbrothers and God-uncles carried Srila Gurudeva down into the Natha Mandira for his last darsana with their Lordships Sri-Sri Guru-Gauranga Radha-Nayananatha, I had the fortune of being able to watch this arati of Srila Gurudeva from the altar. Their Lordships had the most resplendent golden clothes on. I can’t quite describe the feeling I had when I saw their Lordships take their last darsana of Srila Gurudeva as Srila Acharya Maharaja and Srikantha Prabhu performed arati to him. It was a mix of joy at his joining their eternal pastimes and sorrow at leaving the world bereft of his manifested presence.
Then began the procession to Sridhama Mayapura. I and countless others were awestruck at the beauty of Srila Gurudeva’s bus and procession—at all the love and devotion put into making this festival a beautiful memory for the rest of our lives. I pray that I will develop that kind of love and devotion for Srila Gurudeva and Śrīla Prabhupada in the course of my sadhana and my occupation throughout my life. The procession to Sri Mayapura was like Jagannatha’s Rathayatra because the devotees were loudly doing kirtan the whole way and we stopped at various places so that devotees in different areas could offer their heartfelt love and devotion to Srila Gurudeva before he entered samadhi, similar to how Jagannatha will sometimes stop his chariot to receive the service of his devotees.
We arrived at the Sri Caitanya Math of Śrīla Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakur at around 6 in the evening on April 21st, the disappearance of Srila Vrndavana Das Thakur, when the sky was already dark. We then followed Srila Gurudeva’s bus, which was decorated beautifully like a Rathayatra cart, on foot to the Sree Caitanya Gaudiya Math. I was touched to see sannyasis and acharyas of many different Gaudiya temples offering their homage to Srila Gurudeva. The experience of all the devotees collectively praying and crying out to Srila Gurudeva out of gratitude and longing to continue serving him was simultaneously so sweet and painful.
Early the next morning, I was circumambulating Srila Gurudeva and taking his darsana, well aware that this Ekadasi day was the last day of my life that I would have his darsana with my eyes. I prayed to be able to continue serving him eternally, both in this life and in the next. I wondered where Srila Gurudeva was in Sri-Sri Radha-Krsna’s eternal pastimes and how he was serving them. By seeing the beautiful Tulasi leaves covering his eyes, I meditated on how Tulasi is always at the lotus feet of Sri Krsna and how Srila Gurudeva is serving the divine couple under the guidance of Srimati Vrnda Devi herself now. At first, I felt myself unqualified to even desire to join Srila Gurudeva in those eternal pastimes of the divine couple, but then I realized that Śrīla Gurudeva came to this world to invite all of us to join him in serving Sri-Sri Radha-Krsna in Vraja eternally. I felt a strong desire to go back home, back to Godhead, so that I could be reunited with Gurudeva eternally. I now feel the desire to be the kind of devotee that will make Srila Gurudeva proud and pleased while I’m in this world; I want to reciprocate with Srila Gurudeva by living an exemplary life dedicated to serving and pleasing him. I pray for his mercy and for the blessings of whoever is reading this so that I can live my life in a way that will please him and be a beautiful offering to him.
Growing up in Srila Prabhupada’s ISKCON, my heart was touched to see how the devotees at the Mayapura Candrodaya Mandir showered flowers on Srila Gurudeva as he went through the front gate, and I was moved by the honor that Jananivasa Prabhu, Nityananda Maharaja, Tusta Krsna Prabhu, and other devotees showed to Srila Gurudeva. Srila Gurudeva led an exemplary life and maintained nice relationships with Vaisnavas of many different branches of our sampradaya, the Caitanya tree. I pray that I may always follow in Srila Gurudeva’s footsteps in maintaining sweet, loving relationships with Vaisnavas of various branches of our sampradaya.
The Maha-abhisekha of Srila Gurudeva is the single most beautiful thing I have ever had the fortune of witnessing in my entire life. Darsane pavitra koro ei tomara guna: Simply by having the darsana of the pure devotee, we are purified. We are fortunate if we have darsana of a pure devotee, and we are even more fortunate if we can appreciate the spiritual beauty of their form, which is transcendental due to their life of saranagati, surrender, at the lotus feet of Guru and Krsna.
I appreciate and admire my senior Godbrothers again and again for the regal throne and garlands they made for Srila Gurudeva, for how they prepared the samadhi pit, and for how gently and carefully they handled the transcendental body of Srila Gurudeva. I’ll never forget the final honors they gave to Srila Gurudeva, and I’ll never forget the service of placing sand on his samadhi and circumambulating him. I chanted the rest of my japa that day with the prayer that I would be able to stay connected to Srila Gurudeva in the core of my heart, especially now that he is physically absent from our lives.
After the viraha-sabha (festival in separation) the next day, my Godbrother Gaurasundara Prabhu and I both went to the Ganges in the evening to bathe and chant Gayatri. The skies were gray and the water of Mother Ganga was almost still. Gaurasundara Prabhu remarked that the Ganga was silent in mourning at the departure of Srila Gurudeva. As we started to do our ahnik in the Ganga, the waves became bigger and bigger, the wind became stronger, and fierce rain came down on us. We ran to the shore with the wind striking our backs with sand as fallen tree branches blocked the road. We understood that now Ganga Devi was weeping. A day or two later, Shyama Das Babaji Maharaja remarked that Prthvi-devi (Mother Earth) was crying now that she no longer gets the touch of Srila Gurudeva’s lotus feet as he dances ecstatically in sankirtan.
I have received some powerful instructions after Srila Gurudeva’s departure that I want to share here and purify my own heart by remembering. I returned to the Kolkata Math a few days later and Srila Turyasrami Maharaja told me that by loudly and intensely chanting Harinama and remembering Srila Gurudeva I can connect with him in his absence. I was touched to hear the offerings from the devotee’s hearts during the viraha-sabha in Kolkata, especially when Srila Acharya Maharaja said that, after the disappearance of Srila Param Gurudeva, he literally saw tears coming from Srila Gurudeva’s eyes like torrents of rain.
I had the great fortune of meeting Srila Radhanatha Swami shortly before and after Srila Gurudeva’s disappearance pastime. When I saw him in New York after Srila Gurudeva’s disappearance, he told me that it is a great loss for the world to lose such an exalted Vaisnava with such pure love for Krsna, and it is a blessing that Srila Gurudeva disappeared in such a gracious way. He shared from his own experience of Srila Prabhupada’s disappearance from this world that when he is sincerely performing his sadhana and service, he feels more connected to Srila Prabhupada than times when he was sitting directly with Srila Prabhupada in the temple room. He congratulated me on my good fortune of being present at Srila Gurudeva’s departure and reminded me that by sincere service and sadhana, I can stay connected with Srila Gurudeva.
At the Krishna House where I live, we studied the Uddhava-Gita in the 11th canto of the Srimad-Bhagavatam over the course of the summer following Srila Gurudeva’s departure. I felt that it was Krsna’s arrangement that I study this because it starts with Sri Uddhava asking Krsna about how he will be able to continue serving Krsna after his disappearance from this world. The Uddhava Gita ends with Uddhava asking a question that we, as Srila Gurudeva’s disciples and followers, are all asking now: “Obeisances unto You, O greatest of yogīs. Please instruct me, who am surrendered unto You, how I may have undeviating attachment to Your lotus feet.” (SB 11.29.40). Part of Krsna’s response, which I believe is relevant for all of us who desire to stay connected with Srila Gurudeva now that he has disappeared from our vision, is this: “…Thus you should remain content and free from desire, tolerant of all dualities, good-natured, self-controlled, peaceful and endowed with transcendental knowledge and realization. With fixed attention, meditate constantly upon these instructions I have imparted to you and assimilate their essence. Fix your words and thoughts upon Me, and always endeavor to increase your realization of My transcendental qualities. In this way, you will cross beyond the destinations of the three modes of nature and finally come back to Me.” (SB 11.29.41-44).
vāñchā-kalpa-tarubhyaś ca
kṛpā-sindhubhya eva ca
patitānāṁ pāvanebhyo
vaiṣṇavebhyo namo namaḥ
—Abhimanyu Das (USA)
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| Most Revered Srila Gurudev's samadhi mandir, 1st Viraha Mahotsav, 2018 |
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