His Everlasting Glance

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My Gurudev is an unsurpassed personality; what can I say about Him? With my minus qualifications, this is impossible. But I will make an attempt to glorify Srila Gurudeva for my own purification. 

I can't say I was looking for Him on purpose. Rather, He found me. In the Summer of 2011, I joined ISKCON. I got acquainted there with the basics of the practice and was shocked by the personality of Srila A.C. Bhaktivedanta Prabhupada. Despite the fact that He left this planet a long time ago, inside I had a desire to have a guru like Him, although I hardly understood who Srila Prabhupada was and where this desire came from in me. Later I met my husband, who is a disciple of Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Goswami Maharaj. In January 2013, I had a spontaneous desire to have a guru like Srila Narayana Goswami Maharaj. And again I didn't understand what it was. But this thought penetrated deep into the heart. 


In the Spring of that year, my husband's guru-brother went to India, he wanted to go to the Vyasa Puja of Srila Bhakti Ballabha Tirtha Goswami Maharaj. He borrowed a backpack from us for his trip. He took a picture of my husband and me and asked me to give some donations for this sadhu. Later I asked my husband, who is this extraordinary person, to whom is his spiritual brother going? The husband said that this is an amazing maha-bhagavat Vaishnava, that he is from the spiritual world just like Srila Prabhupada and Srila Narayana Goswami Maharaj, and that many seek initiation from him. But it didn't mean anything to me because I didn't want to get initiated just because someone said he's such an exalted person; I wanted to have a connection with Him. And then my husband told me about an incident that he had experienced.


In 2011 my husband went to Tirtha Ashram in Govardhana with a small company of devotees. There were a lot of people in the pandal so they couldn't get inside. These devotees were standing outside and trying to figure out what was going to happen. At that time, Srila Gurudeva was brought in. He was led by two sevaks under his arms. It was difficult for him to walk. He walked slowly and his hands were shaking a little. From the outside, he looked like just an old grandfather. He started talking and at one point Srila Gurudeva uttered one phrase very loudly and forcefully which could be heard even without a microphone. My Husband was far away from Gurudeva at the farthest point, but even there he heard Gurudev roaring like a lion: "Remember! Without a Guru, you are nothing!" 


This phrase shocked my husband to the depths of his soul. And when he told this story, these words of Gurudev also penetrated deeply into my heart. And I began to think about it often. After a while, a devotee came from India. He said that he gave the donation to Srila Gurudeva, showed my husband and me a photo, and Srila Gurudev blessed us with his palm. The devotee also returned the backpack to us but said that he did not have time to wash it. In this backpack, I found that there were crumbs of prasad from Srila Gurudeva's Vyasa puja.  I collected these crumbs and I got one amazing idea for an experiment.

I read the pranam mantras to Srila Gurudeva for the first time, ate a few crumbs of this prasad, drank a few drops of some charanamrita from the dhama, and began to chant harinam. Immediately I was overwhelmed with a variety of emotions! My heart ached and tears poured out of my eyes. My japa was perfect. I had never been like this before, and it would only happen once more after that, near Srila Gurudeva's bhajan kutir in Guwahati six months later. 


This experience shocked me so much that I became even more attracted to Srila Gurudeva. And I began to follow the information that the devotees posted on Facebook. And when they wrote about the deterioration of Guru Maharaj's health, I became very sad and I couldn't figure out why. After all, I didn't know Him, I never saw Him. And why such strange emotions: tears, sadness, the desire to get darshan? And even the desire to receive initiation from Him began to appear. Then the decision was made for me to go to India so that I could see with my own eyes that these are not my sentiments, but this is exactly what should happen. 


When I first arrived at Sree Chaitanya Gaudiya Math in Guwahati, almost immediately Srila Gurudeva was taken out to the public darshan. I just managed to throw my suitcase into the room and go downstairs.  I was sitting near the stairs waiting for Srila Gurudeva to come past me so I will finally see Him. But then something incredible happened! A few meters before Srila Gurudeva was even with me, He was already looking in my direction. And when there was only a short distance left, Srila Gurudev looked me straight in the eyes. 

Oh, Bhagavan! It's hard to describe in words. It was a look full of compassion and love. I felt with all the cells of my being that Srila Gurudev knows everything about me. In general, everything, and my past incarnations, this whole life, and what will happen in the future. It seemed that He had not just looked into my soul, but far beyond it. And there was a dual sense of time. It seemed that this look lasted forever, and at the same time, it ended too quickly. In fact, everything happened in a few seconds. Streams of tears poured out of my eyes and I couldn't stop them.

When Gurudev was taken past me again, He even turned His head away from me as if saying, "I saw everything." I have never had such an experience again.
 But it was amazing. For me, it meant that Gurudev accepted me. And this became the final point that resolved my doubts. I firmly decided that if I get initiation, it will be only from Him. And although it didn't happen right away, it did happen. 

Gurudev is so merciful to me. Unfortunately, due to poor communication and committing many aparadhas, my sadhana is very weak. I'm trying to restore it, although it's more like climbing an icy mountain. Two steps forward and ten steps back. But I keep trying anyway. After all, Guru Maharaj is very generous and merciful. He constantly sends me support to make my trials a little easier. And I hope that one day I will experience again those colossal emotions and feeling in the heart that occurred during my spiritual initiation.

—Adiya Shakti Dasi, Russia















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