His Separation Grief Was like That of Mahāprabhu in the Mood of Rādhārāṇī
I often feel that to try to sing Gurudev's glories is like worshipping the Sun by offering a small lamp. Guru Mahārāja's lifestyle, his ideals, his conduct, his kathā, and kirtan which we have seen are all so wonderful; it is not possible to describe. Guru Mahārāja must have had great experiences while visiting various sādhus, places, and through various pastimes, but he never shared them in his hari-kathā with the purpose of boasting about himself. Often he was heard speaking about his Gurudev; he always repeated his Gurudev's hari-kathā as it is. He was the embodiment of the phrase guru-gata-prana.
While narrating the pastime that occurred during the time of Param Gurudev's disappearance, Gurudev told, "When I was performing parikramā in Aniyor near Govinda Kunda, before entering Jatipura (a small village on the parikramā marg) I met a small boy. He told me to stop parikramā. ‘You are very tired,’ he insisted. I told him I am not tired and that I have to perform parikramā right now, He was a small boy, what could I say? And then while walking, the boy told me, ‘I will take you to Pāṇḍā's house.’ No, I do not want to go now to Pāṇḍā's house, I told him, I want to continue parikramā. But he said ‘I know your Pāṇḍā’ and told me Pāṇḍā's name and everything about him. He held my hand and forcibly took me to Pāṇḍā's house and knocked on the door. When Pāṇḍā came out of the house he had a surprised look on his face and looked as if crying. When I turned around to see the boy, the boy had vanished; the one who had stopped me had run away.”
This shows how much deep attachment he has with Girirāja Govardhana. Gurudev spoke about this incident very briefly, not clearly revealing it because he was trying to avoid name and fame. When we asked Pāṇḍā about this, he said, "I do not know anything, I did not see any boy or anyone, but Mahārāja had seen. I had heard some voice of a child speaking, but from where he came and who he was, I do not know."
While speaking about this, Gurudev was very brief and was not opening up fully. I will try to repeat Gurudev's words first and later we will try to contemplate them. Gurudev said, "I was thinking where shall I go? I will jump off the hill and give up my life." His mood was like where shall I find my Gurudev? How shall I give up my life? He was not able to understand anything. In this situation and in this mood Gurudev wandered in Nandagram and Barsana.
We should contemplate this; I did so and found it very divine. When Gurudev was coming out from Nandagram and he had darśana of Rādhārāṇī and he fell unconscious. This is similar to what is indicated in these verses of Śrī Saḍ-gosvāmī Aṣṭakam:
While narrating the pastime that occurred during the time of Param Gurudev's disappearance, Gurudev told, "When I was performing parikramā in Aniyor near Govinda Kunda, before entering Jatipura (a small village on the parikramā marg) I met a small boy. He told me to stop parikramā. ‘You are very tired,’ he insisted. I told him I am not tired and that I have to perform parikramā right now, He was a small boy, what could I say? And then while walking, the boy told me, ‘I will take you to Pāṇḍā's house.’ No, I do not want to go now to Pāṇḍā's house, I told him, I want to continue parikramā. But he said ‘I know your Pāṇḍā’ and told me Pāṇḍā's name and everything about him. He held my hand and forcibly took me to Pāṇḍā's house and knocked on the door. When Pāṇḍā came out of the house he had a surprised look on his face and looked as if crying. When I turned around to see the boy, the boy had vanished; the one who had stopped me had run away.”
This shows how much deep attachment he has with Girirāja Govardhana. Gurudev spoke about this incident very briefly, not clearly revealing it because he was trying to avoid name and fame. When we asked Pāṇḍā about this, he said, "I do not know anything, I did not see any boy or anyone, but Mahārāja had seen. I had heard some voice of a child speaking, but from where he came and who he was, I do not know."
While speaking about this, Gurudev was very brief and was not opening up fully. I will try to repeat Gurudev's words first and later we will try to contemplate them. Gurudev said, "I was thinking where shall I go? I will jump off the hill and give up my life." His mood was like where shall I find my Gurudev? How shall I give up my life? He was not able to understand anything. In this situation and in this mood Gurudev wandered in Nandagram and Barsana.
We should contemplate this; I did so and found it very divine. When Gurudev was coming out from Nandagram and he had darśana of Rādhārāṇī and he fell unconscious. This is similar to what is indicated in these verses of Śrī Saḍ-gosvāmī Aṣṭakam:
he rādhe vraja-devīke ca lalite he nanda-sūno kutaḥ
ghoṣantāv iti sarvato vraja-pure khedair mahā-vihvalau
vande rūpa-sanātanau raghu-yugau śrī-jīva-gopālakau
śrī-govardhana-kalpa-pādapa-tale kālindī-vane kutaḥ
[I offer my respectful obeisances unto the Six Gosvāmīs, namely Śrī Rūpa Gosvāmī, Śrī Sanātana Gosvāmī, Śrī Raghunātha Bhatta Gosvāmī, Śrī Raghunātha dāsa Gosvāmī, Śrī Jīvā Gosvāmī, and Śrī Gopāla Bhaṭṭa Gosvāmī, who were chanting very loudly everywhere in Vṛndāvana, shouting, "Queen of Vṛndāvana, Rādhārāṇī! O Lalitā! O son of Nanda Mahārāja! Where are you all now? Are you just on the hill of Govardhana, or are you under the trees on the bank of the Yamuna? Where are you?" These were their moods in executing Krsna consciousness.]
As I recall, I first heard Gurudeva speak of this incident in Govardhana while we were in Chandigarh, in the year 2000. Later in 2004 or 2005, he spoke of this while playing pastimes of sickness at Apollo Hospital. When I went to his room I told him if anything should happen to him, then I will die. That time Tamal Kṛṣṇa Prabhu and others had gone to speak to the doctors and we were alone. He told me that when he heard about the news of Param Gurudev's departure from this world, he felt his heart was empty.
We have heard the term guru-gata-prana for the mood of Gurudev. This term may also be interpreted to mean that Gurudev did not want to remain in this world anymore after Param Gurudev's departure because he knew that he had been chosen as the successor Ācārya of the maṭha which was indirectly hinted to him by Śrīla Prabhupāda's disciples beforehand. Gurudev did not want to become an ācārya thinking I have not even become a good dāsa or a servant of my Gurudev. Because of this mood, Gurudev did not want to come back to the maṭha. But Prahlād Raya Goel, Gurudev's god-brother from Delhi who owned the Golden Transport Company became instrumental in bringing him back to maṭha.
Vaiṣṇavas advised Gurudev not to wander here and there but to come and reside in Vṛndāvana maṭha at least. The period between Param Gurudev's disappearance in February 1979 and during that year's Navadvīpa-dhāma parikramā in March, Gurudev went through great turmoil. A Bābājī whose name I forgot, who was a disciple of Śrīla Bhakti Prājanan Keshav Gosvāmī Mahārāja was residing in Nandagaon near Śrīla Kṛṣṇadās Bābājī Mahārāja's samādhi told about what our Gurudev's condition was. He said that he saw our Gurudev was just lying unconscious all day long and when would come to consciousness he would utter "Ha Gurudev, Ha Gurudev.." and cry. He would not even drink water.
We had no strength to meet with Gurudev then, but we were fortunate to meet those who were in contact with Gurudev there in Nandgaon. Behind Śrīla Bhakti Hṛdaya Vana Gosvāmī Mahārāja's College is Śrīla Krsnadās Bābājī Mahārāja's kuṭīra. Gurudev took us there (during parikramā maybe) and seeing that Bābājī there, he called in the mood of a junior god-brother, “'Eh! You are still here?” We heard little about Gurudev's pastimes from him when we were there. He said Gurudev went through so much viraha, separation-grief from Param Gurudev that we had no courage to go to him and console him or make him eat or drink something. Even if they offered some water for him to drink he would not take it and rather cry and cry. He told us that what we have heard about Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu's separation grief in the mood of Rādhārāṇī has been witnessed in your Gurudev. I forgot Bābājī Mahārāja's name, but will enquire and find out. He used to play mṛdaṅga well and sing kirtans too. He told us you are all very fortunate that you have attained such Gurupādapadma.
Gurudev had been to Ter Kadamba and he stayed there. There was one saint there, a Bābājī Mahārāja but I do not know his name. The Bābājī had not joined Gaudiya Maṭha then. During parikramā, Guru Mahārāja met him and they both offered praṇams to each other and this Bābājī Mahārāja tried to take Guru Mahārāja’s foot dust and Gurudev was trying to take his foot dust, and also objecting to him saying, “What are you doing, what are you doing?” Seeing this I felt they have some relation, so I spoke to Bābājī and asked him how long have you known our Gurudev? He said, “What to know? He is our bandhu, our relative, and our well-wisher.” When I asked him to tell me some incidents, he told me that Gurudev was there when Param Gurudev had disappeared and was in great separation grief, viraha like that of the Saḍ-gosvāmīs. The symptoms of viraha that were narrated in Śrī Caitanya Deva's pastimes were found manifest in Gurudev's transcendental body.
I think we are all very fortunate to witness Gurudev's transcendental pastimes and observe the pinnacle of what a bonafide disciple's mood reaches. On one level a disciple thinks in the most humble mood like in this bhajan:
ghoṣantāv iti sarvato vraja-pure khedair mahā-vihvalau
vande rūpa-sanātanau raghu-yugau śrī-jīva-gopālakau
śrī-govardhana-kalpa-pādapa-tale kālindī-vane kutaḥ
[I offer my respectful obeisances unto the Six Gosvāmīs, namely Śrī Rūpa Gosvāmī, Śrī Sanātana Gosvāmī, Śrī Raghunātha Bhatta Gosvāmī, Śrī Raghunātha dāsa Gosvāmī, Śrī Jīvā Gosvāmī, and Śrī Gopāla Bhaṭṭa Gosvāmī, who were chanting very loudly everywhere in Vṛndāvana, shouting, "Queen of Vṛndāvana, Rādhārāṇī! O Lalitā! O son of Nanda Mahārāja! Where are you all now? Are you just on the hill of Govardhana, or are you under the trees on the bank of the Yamuna? Where are you?" These were their moods in executing Krsna consciousness.]
As I recall, I first heard Gurudeva speak of this incident in Govardhana while we were in Chandigarh, in the year 2000. Later in 2004 or 2005, he spoke of this while playing pastimes of sickness at Apollo Hospital. When I went to his room I told him if anything should happen to him, then I will die. That time Tamal Kṛṣṇa Prabhu and others had gone to speak to the doctors and we were alone. He told me that when he heard about the news of Param Gurudev's departure from this world, he felt his heart was empty.
We have heard the term guru-gata-prana for the mood of Gurudev. This term may also be interpreted to mean that Gurudev did not want to remain in this world anymore after Param Gurudev's departure because he knew that he had been chosen as the successor Ācārya of the maṭha which was indirectly hinted to him by Śrīla Prabhupāda's disciples beforehand. Gurudev did not want to become an ācārya thinking I have not even become a good dāsa or a servant of my Gurudev. Because of this mood, Gurudev did not want to come back to the maṭha. But Prahlād Raya Goel, Gurudev's god-brother from Delhi who owned the Golden Transport Company became instrumental in bringing him back to maṭha.
Vaiṣṇavas advised Gurudev not to wander here and there but to come and reside in Vṛndāvana maṭha at least. The period between Param Gurudev's disappearance in February 1979 and during that year's Navadvīpa-dhāma parikramā in March, Gurudev went through great turmoil. A Bābājī whose name I forgot, who was a disciple of Śrīla Bhakti Prājanan Keshav Gosvāmī Mahārāja was residing in Nandagaon near Śrīla Kṛṣṇadās Bābājī Mahārāja's samādhi told about what our Gurudev's condition was. He said that he saw our Gurudev was just lying unconscious all day long and when would come to consciousness he would utter "Ha Gurudev, Ha Gurudev.." and cry. He would not even drink water.
We had no strength to meet with Gurudev then, but we were fortunate to meet those who were in contact with Gurudev there in Nandgaon. Behind Śrīla Bhakti Hṛdaya Vana Gosvāmī Mahārāja's College is Śrīla Krsnadās Bābājī Mahārāja's kuṭīra. Gurudev took us there (during parikramā maybe) and seeing that Bābājī there, he called in the mood of a junior god-brother, “'Eh! You are still here?” We heard little about Gurudev's pastimes from him when we were there. He said Gurudev went through so much viraha, separation-grief from Param Gurudev that we had no courage to go to him and console him or make him eat or drink something. Even if they offered some water for him to drink he would not take it and rather cry and cry. He told us that what we have heard about Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu's separation grief in the mood of Rādhārāṇī has been witnessed in your Gurudev. I forgot Bābājī Mahārāja's name, but will enquire and find out. He used to play mṛdaṅga well and sing kirtans too. He told us you are all very fortunate that you have attained such Gurupādapadma.
Gurudev had been to Ter Kadamba and he stayed there. There was one saint there, a Bābājī Mahārāja but I do not know his name. The Bābājī had not joined Gaudiya Maṭha then. During parikramā, Guru Mahārāja met him and they both offered praṇams to each other and this Bābājī Mahārāja tried to take Guru Mahārāja’s foot dust and Gurudev was trying to take his foot dust, and also objecting to him saying, “What are you doing, what are you doing?” Seeing this I felt they have some relation, so I spoke to Bābājī and asked him how long have you known our Gurudev? He said, “What to know? He is our bandhu, our relative, and our well-wisher.” When I asked him to tell me some incidents, he told me that Gurudev was there when Param Gurudev had disappeared and was in great separation grief, viraha like that of the Saḍ-gosvāmīs. The symptoms of viraha that were narrated in Śrī Caitanya Deva's pastimes were found manifest in Gurudev's transcendental body.
I think we are all very fortunate to witness Gurudev's transcendental pastimes and observe the pinnacle of what a bonafide disciple's mood reaches. On one level a disciple thinks in the most humble mood like in this bhajan:
emona durmati, saḿsāra bhitore,
poḍiyā āchinu āmi
tava nija-jana, kono mahājane,
pāṭhāiyā dile tumi
[Oh Lord! Such a wicked mind has brought me into this world, but one of Your pure and elevated devotees has come to bring me out of it.]
This is also the highest mood of Mahāprabhu or Śrīmati Rādhārāṇī in separation grief from Krsna.
As said in Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam, 10.31.9:
tava kathāmṛtaṁ tapta-jīvanaṁ
kavibhir īḍitaṁ kalmaṣāpaham
śravaṇa-maṅgalaṁ śrīmad ātataṁ
bhuvi gṛṇanti ye bhūri-dā janāḥ
[The nectar of Your words and the descriptions of Your activities are the life and soul of those suffering in this material world. These narrations, transmitted by learned sages, eradicate one’s sinful reactions and bestow good fortune upon whoever hears them. These narrations are broadcast all over the world and are filled with spiritual power. Certainly, those who spread the divine message are most munificent.]
Those who are suffering from separation grief from their object of worship (Gurudev, Śrīmati Rādhārāṇī, Krsna or Mahāprabhu, as per their mood at that time) experience drinking nectar that brings their life back when they hear talks about their object of worship in the form of katha and kirtan. While listening, they attain complete union with their object of worship as if They are manifest before them even though a few moments before they were drowning in separation grief. Such pastimes were witnessed in Gurudev's life. Also, the truth that Nama and Nāmī are abhinna (non-different), which is difficult to realize by ourselves, is manifested through his pastimes.
All his life, Gurudev chanted and heard the names daily and could not live without them, yet he manifested the pastime of not being able to utter Them. In 2011 during Mayapur parikramā while giving harināma initiation to aspirants, Gurudev was chanting panchatattva and mahāmantra to them. As he chanted panchatattva he closed his eyes and suddenly his mood, his form changed, he forgot that he is in the middle of harināma initiation process. His engrossment then was really astonishing, indescribable. Gurudev did not allow cameras during harināma initiation. However, I had a video recorder and captured those moments in Dehradun.
As Gurudev had begun chanting Śrī Krsna Caitanya, it was as if Panchatattva appeared before him. We gradually understood that whenever Gurudev chanted panchatatva and mahāmantra he entered into the mood that Nāma and Nāmī are abhinna. He would ask others to sing and he listened and he would enter samādhi, a trance state with his eyes half closed; his eyes rolled up and his mouth opened. His mood of viraha (separation), was so much that he cannot live without his object of worship and as he would utter Their names, he would find Them manifest before him.
Gurudev would enter Param Gurudev's room and pray. His words were something like "I am unqualified and so I could not serve you. Now also I am not able to serve you. You please forgive me. Please take me with you, please take me with you." When Gurudev would give jayadvani, he got so deeply engrossed in them, it is very difficult to explain.
I said in the beginning that even if we hold a lamp before the Sun it would be like worshiping him. But here it is very difficult to describe. Our description will look very artificial and an imitation which is not good. It is difficult to express his pastimes and if it remains within then also it does not benefit us.
Guru Mahārāja began giving jayadvani. He would offer five "jais" and even as he was reading them, he would take a minimum of five to ten minutes to complete one "jai" and would play the pastime of getting stuck in the middle and repeating the words from the beginning again and again. He is reading out "jais" because if he closed his eyes and chanted "jais" he would find himself in front of his Gurudev and would not be able to proceed further for an hour or so. This was the beginning stage of his sublime pastimes. Someone has to prompt him to proceed further and then again he would repeat. Some doctors said it is an old age symptom and the mind becomes blank, but they are fools. If his mind became blank, then why does he cry? By calling out that name and finding the person there and not being able to serve or not being able to reach Them, in separation grief he cried.
On his appearance day Gurudev was reading "jais" from a paper in front of him with folded hands and after reading tens of times one "jai" was completed. When he humbly called the personality of his Gurudev and he came in front of him, how can he proceed further to additional "jais" to Śrī Gauranga and Śrī Śrī Radha Nayanath jiu without serving Gurudeva? We do not know what was really happening within him, only I am imagining it this way. And finally, when he completed giving one "jai" he would envision all the personalities i.e. Gurudev, Gauranga, Śrī Śrī Radha Nayanath ji in front of him. Thus to complete a list of five "jais" it would take him thirty to forty-five minutes. This pastime is the manifest form of a verse from Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam, 10.31.9:
poḍiyā āchinu āmi
tava nija-jana, kono mahājane,
pāṭhāiyā dile tumi
[Oh Lord! Such a wicked mind has brought me into this world, but one of Your pure and elevated devotees has come to bring me out of it.]
This is also the highest mood of Mahāprabhu or Śrīmati Rādhārāṇī in separation grief from Krsna.
As said in Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam, 10.31.9:
tava kathāmṛtaṁ tapta-jīvanaṁ
kavibhir īḍitaṁ kalmaṣāpaham
śravaṇa-maṅgalaṁ śrīmad ātataṁ
bhuvi gṛṇanti ye bhūri-dā janāḥ
[The nectar of Your words and the descriptions of Your activities are the life and soul of those suffering in this material world. These narrations, transmitted by learned sages, eradicate one’s sinful reactions and bestow good fortune upon whoever hears them. These narrations are broadcast all over the world and are filled with spiritual power. Certainly, those who spread the divine message are most munificent.]
Those who are suffering from separation grief from their object of worship (Gurudev, Śrīmati Rādhārāṇī, Krsna or Mahāprabhu, as per their mood at that time) experience drinking nectar that brings their life back when they hear talks about their object of worship in the form of katha and kirtan. While listening, they attain complete union with their object of worship as if They are manifest before them even though a few moments before they were drowning in separation grief. Such pastimes were witnessed in Gurudev's life. Also, the truth that Nama and Nāmī are abhinna (non-different), which is difficult to realize by ourselves, is manifested through his pastimes.
All his life, Gurudev chanted and heard the names daily and could not live without them, yet he manifested the pastime of not being able to utter Them. In 2011 during Mayapur parikramā while giving harināma initiation to aspirants, Gurudev was chanting panchatattva and mahāmantra to them. As he chanted panchatattva he closed his eyes and suddenly his mood, his form changed, he forgot that he is in the middle of harināma initiation process. His engrossment then was really astonishing, indescribable. Gurudev did not allow cameras during harināma initiation. However, I had a video recorder and captured those moments in Dehradun.
As Gurudev had begun chanting Śrī Krsna Caitanya, it was as if Panchatattva appeared before him. We gradually understood that whenever Gurudev chanted panchatatva and mahāmantra he entered into the mood that Nāma and Nāmī are abhinna. He would ask others to sing and he listened and he would enter samādhi, a trance state with his eyes half closed; his eyes rolled up and his mouth opened. His mood of viraha (separation), was so much that he cannot live without his object of worship and as he would utter Their names, he would find Them manifest before him.
Gurudev would enter Param Gurudev's room and pray. His words were something like "I am unqualified and so I could not serve you. Now also I am not able to serve you. You please forgive me. Please take me with you, please take me with you." When Gurudev would give jayadvani, he got so deeply engrossed in them, it is very difficult to explain.
I said in the beginning that even if we hold a lamp before the Sun it would be like worshiping him. But here it is very difficult to describe. Our description will look very artificial and an imitation which is not good. It is difficult to express his pastimes and if it remains within then also it does not benefit us.
Guru Mahārāja began giving jayadvani. He would offer five "jais" and even as he was reading them, he would take a minimum of five to ten minutes to complete one "jai" and would play the pastime of getting stuck in the middle and repeating the words from the beginning again and again. He is reading out "jais" because if he closed his eyes and chanted "jais" he would find himself in front of his Gurudev and would not be able to proceed further for an hour or so. This was the beginning stage of his sublime pastimes. Someone has to prompt him to proceed further and then again he would repeat. Some doctors said it is an old age symptom and the mind becomes blank, but they are fools. If his mind became blank, then why does he cry? By calling out that name and finding the person there and not being able to serve or not being able to reach Them, in separation grief he cried.
On his appearance day Gurudev was reading "jais" from a paper in front of him with folded hands and after reading tens of times one "jai" was completed. When he humbly called the personality of his Gurudev and he came in front of him, how can he proceed further to additional "jais" to Śrī Gauranga and Śrī Śrī Radha Nayanath jiu without serving Gurudeva? We do not know what was really happening within him, only I am imagining it this way. And finally, when he completed giving one "jai" he would envision all the personalities i.e. Gurudev, Gauranga, Śrī Śrī Radha Nayanath ji in front of him. Thus to complete a list of five "jais" it would take him thirty to forty-five minutes. This pastime is the manifest form of a verse from Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam, 10.31.9:
tava kathāmṛtaṁ tapta-jīvanaṁ
kavibhir īḍitaṁ kalmaṣāpaham
śravaṇa-maṅgalaṁ śrīmad ātataṁ
bhuvi gṛṇanti ye bhūri-dā janāḥ
[The nectar of Your words and the descriptions of Your activities are the life and soul of those suffering in this material world. These narrations, transmitted by learned sages, eradicate one’s sinful reactions and bestow good fortune upon whoever hears them. These narrations are broadcast all over the world and are filled with spiritual power. Certainly, those who spread the message of the Holy Name are most munificent.]
Nāma is Lord Himself and I pray to Gurudev to be merciful to me so that I can remember and contemplate on his pastimes. I pray at the lotus feet of Śrīla Vṛndāvana dās Thakur who manifested Mahāprabhu's pastimes in this world even after Mahāprabhu's disappearance. We have not had his darśana, nor Prabhupāda's darśana, nor any other ācāryas coming in the Paraṃpara of Śrīla Prabhupāda, but I had darśana of my Gurudev and his pastimes. Witnessing those pastimes I realize that my Gurudev is non-different from Vṛndāvana dās Thakur, Nityānanda Prabhu, and all of the parampara. So I offer dandavat praṇams at the lotus feet of my Gurudev and pray, "He Gurudev, please have mercy on me. You and your pastimes are beyond our comprehension and our experience, but by your mercy may we be able to comprehend a little of your inconceivable pastimes just like Vṛndāvana dās Thakur and Krsna Dās Kavirāja Gosvāmī did. Without your mercy, this is impossible.
kavibhir īḍitaṁ kalmaṣāpaham
śravaṇa-maṅgalaṁ śrīmad ātataṁ
bhuvi gṛṇanti ye bhūri-dā janāḥ
[The nectar of Your words and the descriptions of Your activities are the life and soul of those suffering in this material world. These narrations, transmitted by learned sages, eradicate one’s sinful reactions and bestow good fortune upon whoever hears them. These narrations are broadcast all over the world and are filled with spiritual power. Certainly, those who spread the message of the Holy Name are most munificent.]
Nāma is Lord Himself and I pray to Gurudev to be merciful to me so that I can remember and contemplate on his pastimes. I pray at the lotus feet of Śrīla Vṛndāvana dās Thakur who manifested Mahāprabhu's pastimes in this world even after Mahāprabhu's disappearance. We have not had his darśana, nor Prabhupāda's darśana, nor any other ācāryas coming in the Paraṃpara of Śrīla Prabhupāda, but I had darśana of my Gurudev and his pastimes. Witnessing those pastimes I realize that my Gurudev is non-different from Vṛndāvana dās Thakur, Nityānanda Prabhu, and all of the parampara. So I offer dandavat praṇams at the lotus feet of my Gurudev and pray, "He Gurudev, please have mercy on me. You and your pastimes are beyond our comprehension and our experience, but by your mercy may we be able to comprehend a little of your inconceivable pastimes just like Vṛndāvana dās Thakur and Krsna Dās Kavirāja Gosvāmī did. Without your mercy, this is impossible.
—Śrī Bhakti Prasun Madhusūdana Mahārāj
Source: TIRTHA - Glorification of Śrīla Gurudev - Part 2, 17 April 2020
Translated Hindi to English (excerpted)
Jai Gurudev! Even by reading these pastimes we get goosebumps, how can we forget His presence and impact on everyone's lives. Experience of His divine aura and presence is beyond anything in this material world. I wish I could have served Gurudev in this life and I pray for His causeless mercy to get His eternal association someday 🙏😭
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