Praying for Him to Protect Us

I first met Srila Gurudev in January 2016. I decided to come to Kolkata to have darshan of Srila Gurudev during my first trip to India after hearing many stories about Him from Sri Bhakti Prasun Madhusudan Maharaj, who is the first sadhu I ever met about a year before that. 

I remember that day when I first came to Kolkata math, I was very tired and I was not used to the austere facilities in the Math, so I was feeling a little disappointed and sad. I went to the balcony and started chanting. And suddenly, just out of nowhere, I got this warm soothing feeling that everything will be ok, that I am at home. I remember this feeling very distinctly— I am at home. That was before I even met Srila Gurudev. 

At that time, I did not understand the immensity of Gurudeva’s personality (nor will I ever be able to understand completely), but somehow, by some good chance, I have decided to take Harinam from Gurudeva. No one has ever advised me to do so, I think everyone was a little surprised by my decision.

He has accepted me unconditionally, even though I was a deeply troubled person. I just came out of the wild waves of completely materialistic life, covered with all the dirt and filth of the world. I was completely ignorant. I had nothing to offer, except for my dirty heart. And even that I was not able to do. Still, He accepted me and started to cure me. I did not understand it at that time, nor was I ready for it. It took me quite some time to realize things.

I came back to Ukraine and again I was entangled in the conflagration of the material life and trapped in the cage of my own perverted mind. I started to feel hopeless again. But this time I was not alone. Every time I was on the edge of making some mistake, I stopped last moment, as if someone pulled me back. And at the time when I was feeling no inspiration to continue my devotional practice, Srila Gurudev’s most beloved disciples came to Ukraine to grace us all with their presence and by their divine association I got new inspiration. Indeed, so many sadhus came to Ukraine at that time!  

I had no plan to come to India for Kartika of 2016, but my sister wanted to go, so I went to accompany her. She came back after one month, but I decided to stay a little longer. Like that, I had stayed in India for almost six months. All this is like a miracle for me. This time was truly beautiful and precious as I stayed in very close proximity to Srila Gurudev and His most beloved disciples. They have accepted me as their own and took care of me, even though I don’t deserve it. 

We all know how sometimes it is not easy for a young girl to travel around India alone, but for me it was very easy. I traveled all over India and I never had any difficulty. Most of the time I was accompanied by the devotees, and even when I was alone, I did not feel alone, I always felt protected, I was never scared. 

I know, it is all only by the grace of Srila Gurudev. He is saving me. He is changing my heart. Every time I am praying to Him sincerely – He always reciprocates. 

So I want to submit this prayer to You, Gurudeva. Please always keep me close to Your Lotus Feet. Never let me go. I am so attracted by the glittering lights of the material world, there is no chance for me to get freed from its clutches. Myself I am very weak and I have no strength or determination to perform bhajan. I have no hope. My only hope is You, Gurudeva. Only You can safe this most fallen soul.

—Bhanumati Dasi, Ukraine