"In This World, the Only Real Happiness Is Separation Grief"

Let me offer my unlimited prostrated obeisances unto the lotus feet of my most revered Srila Gurudeva, Srila Bhakti Ballabh Tirtha Goswami Maharaj, who is the embodiment of loving affection towards all devotees of the Lord, who is a holy tirtha traveling the world, and who is now fully immersed in bringing joy to Vrindavanesvari as Her eternal confidant.

He Gurudev! I find no words to describe my sorrow. You have blessed me with unlimited showers of affection, and yet I am unable to follow your basic teachings. My heart should melt when uttering your name and when remembering your unlimited glories. Seeing it remaining untouched, I know it to be made of stone.

I was unable to write so far, and am doing so only because I was personally requested. I also could not stay in our Math in Kolkata for long. It is too painful still. Everything reminds me of you. The sound of the temple bell, Srila Paramgurudeva’s padukas, Tulasi Devi, and the tiled floor in the library.

But what is more painful is the emptiness in my heart. During your presence, you daily filled that emptiness with the nectar of your divine association. Due to my fallen nature, I was unable to store that nectar in my heart. If I could at least cry. But I can only cry to cry.

I am most unfortunate. I cannot properly remember you. And yet I cannot forget you. Even sitting in Vrindavan I cannot forget hearing the particular sound of that temple bell while preparing Tulasi Devi, and how you would then enter the library, decorating its fortunate tiles on the floor with the two lotuses of your holy feet.

I cannot forget, how once, you were in a very grave mood while worshiping Tulasi Devi, and how thereafter, you walked towards me. You looked straight into my eyes and said with words that entered my heart with the heaviness of thunderbolts and with the sweetness of nectar:

“In this world, the only real happiness is separation grief!”

You turned and walked away. I remained standing there like a pillar, and one part of me is still standing there. With your blessings, I shall one day realize your words.

I also remember how you told that Jagadish Pandit got the real mercy when he went to Puri. Other devotees came and went, but when he was supposed to go, he cried in great separation. And so Jagannath Himself came with him.

I am not like Jagadish Pandit. Only by your causeless mercy, one day, I too shall cry and cross this deadly desert of emptiness. Please overlook my disqualification and keep on nurturing me out of your causeless mercy.

Unworthy Radhamadhav das

originally published as 94th Vyasa Puja offering, 2018



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