Everything He Did Was a Teaching for Us

During the years that my spiritual master Śrīla Bhakti Ballabh Tirtha Gosvāmī Mahārāja was the president of the World Vaiṣṇava Association (1999-2017), he often emphasized harmonious cooperation among all vaiṣṇavas from all different saṅgas. I cannot imagine how pleased he must be that this meeting was organized. 

I know it is Guru Mahārāja's arrangement to give me some time to glorify him, just to encourage me, to keep me connected, and to remind me of his glories. Over the last two days as I prepared for this, I probably thought much more about the pastimes than before. I will repeat or relate some of the teachings I received from Gurudev and some of the memories that I have just for my own purification. It is more like a child trying to learn how to talk and to walk when I speak and I hope Śrīla Gurudeva is pleased.

During my recollection over the past few days, what really touched me or impressed me about Guru Mahārāja was how effulgent and radiant he was. I was often thinking that even if we switch off all the lights of Kolkata, Srila Guru Mahārāja's room would still be bright. When I remember my very first darśana in Chandigarh, it felt as if the whole maṭha was vibrant and radiant just by Gurudeva's presence. I felt this all the time and I am sure this is something many devotees experienced. Even when my thoughts were disturbed, my mind was not at peace, and when I had problems and wanted to ask questions, as soon as I was in front of Gurudeva I felt that issue vanish and I was alright.

I remember the one incident where Gurudeva was even more radiant and effulgent than I have ever experienced him. It was in Delhi Maṭha around 2006 or 2007, the year of the prāṇa-pratīṣṭa ceremony. That year Gurudeva had to go to the hospital, so we celebrated Vyāsa-pūjā there. 

One senior god-brother told me that Gurudeva had avoided this procedure for some time because of troubles associated with it, but his condition grew more critical and he had to go. He had to go for some tests which were apparently painful and unpleasant. Gurudeva was alone in his room in Delhi maṭha and we were waiting outside for him to come out to go to the hospital, but somehow it took a long time. When he finally stepped out, he was more vibrant and radiant than I had ever seen him. I was not the only one who had noticed, other devotees also commented on how effulgent he was.

Later on, I thought everything that Guru Mahārāja did was his teaching for us. His life was so exemplary. I reflected on his teaching to us that even if we have difficulties or go through difficult situations, you need to just surrender more and be more under the shelter of guru-varga. This is not possible for a conditioned soul. If I have to go to the hospital and through some procedure, I will be totally morose, but for Gurudeva, it was just the opposite, he became more radiant and shining.

Many of my god-brothers and sisters might have mentioned in their offering that Gurudeva was really a perfect sādhaka. He taught by his example how to be a perfect disciple of a sādhaka. This impressed me immensely when I first heard about his glories. How surrendered he was to his spiritual master, and after his spiritual master left, he surrendered to Śrīmad Bhakti Rakṣaka Śrīdhara Deva Gosvāmī Mahārāja even though he was an Ācārya himself, and later he surrendered fully to Śrīla Bhakti Pramoda Puri Gosvāmī Mahārāja and took shelter. I felt this is the real teaching for me, to go about one’s entire life with humility and full dependence on our Gurudeva.

Also when Guru Mahārāja would speak hari-kathā he always started with jayadhvani and maṅgalācaraṇa and it took a minimum of fifteen to twenty minutes, he would never skip one line. He offered these with the mood that unless I get the grace of all of these personalities I cannot speak hari-kathā and only empty words would be uttered; we need the grace. He never skipped a line even if there was little time.

I lived in South India for many years. In Udupi, I met one senior Matajī, a disciple of Śrīla Bhaktivedānta Svāmī Mahārāja, and when she heard about my Gurudeva she had the desire to go to him. I gave her all the contacts and on her trip to Mayapura she stopped at Kolkata Maṭha to meet Gurudeva. 

She had the great fortune that my Gurudeva came to her house in Hawaii many years ago, so she had some connection. Anyhow, she was really touched by his darśana and when she came back to Udupi she told me, "Do you know what, I actually realized that when your Gurudeva chants the jayadhvani and maṅgalācaraṇa then all the personalities are present there; they all come and are personally present when your Gurudeva speaks." It was so nice to hear this from her, and I have no doubts that this is true.

I recently remembered one exchange I had with Gurudeva when he was playing the līlā of forgetting people's names and faces. I am just telling this pastime because it shows how everything a pure devotee does is just līlā. It is one of the incidents where Guru Mahārāja would switch out of this līla of playing the pastime of being so helpless and innocent and forgetting everything, but in a matter of seconds, he could switch off and be in a totally different mood.

This was during the time that he would still speak and we had darśana, but he would not speak downstairs in the temple anymore. He was very child-like as he innocently played the pastimes of not remembering anything and forgetting people's names and faces. I used to come from Udupi to Gurudev for a few days for his darśana and then return. That time I was not even expecting Guru Mahārāja to remember me; I was not even hoping for it, but I was just pleased to be in the maṭha and have darśana. I also realized that probably very soon I will not be able to speak to Gurudeva anymore and I had a burning desire to ask for some more blessings.

So it was evening darśana time and we were in line to see Gurudeva; a devotee from another saṅga was with me. I had this deep desire to ask for one more blessing. It was so burning in my heart and so I guess with some sincerity I must have asked otherwise Guru Mahārāja would not have responded that way. But at that moment I just wanted to bring it in front of Gurudeva. I was not even expecting Guru Mahārāja to react or say anything, but I knew if I utter these words in front of Guru Mahārāja there will be some effect. So I bowed down and then said, "Guru Mahārāja, please give me the blessings so that I will be able to do bhajana under all circumstances." The other devotee had left already and I know now that this was Guru Mahārāja's arrangement.

Instantly everything about Gurudeva changed: his facial expression, his tone of voice, his energy, and his features— it was like something was coming from another dimension. He forcefully spoke four sentences to me. They are very personal and I will not mention them here, but it was from another dimension. It just went all the way through right to the core of my soul and I was shaking and trembling. In these four sentences, everything was there and he showed me that he saw everything about me. There was the blessing, there was the grace, there was the instruction, and also he showed me my shortcomings, what I have to change.

I knew at that moment that this is definitely going to be my last instruction and this is something that will sustain me for the rest of my life. I was taken aback. I was trembling and all I could say was, "Yes, Guru Mahārāja." I felt so deeply seen. Gurudev was switching from innocent līlā to a totally forceful and different energy. I bowed down shaking and left, and I saw how immediately afterward he switched back to his earlier mood with the other devotees, asking in an innocent mood things such as, "Do you remember me?" and "Have you been here before?"

There are other incidents like this and it just shows that all a pure devotee does is līlā and I cannot even fathom how vast and extensive their power, their grace, and their potency is. Like a child who sees the mother and thinks that's all there is. I'm like that, thinking the mother is just here for me, and all these years I went to Guru Mahārāja and like a child thinking that my mother is there only for me and that's all there is. And later on, I realized that there is so much more.

Many times Guru Mahārāja gave me the same answer when I asked something or when I had some problems. I'm someone who got into all kinds of difficult situations and then I would have to run to Guru Maharaja for some instructions and guidance. He would often say, "You just try, you try." Guru Maharaja would often say that if you want to do bhajana, you have to remove all hostile mentalities from your heart; otherwise, you cannot do it.

I said to Guru Mahārāja: "Dhruva Maharaja could do this, he could efface all hostile mentalities from his heart, but I am a conditioned soul and I cannot." Guru Mahārāja would often say, "You just try, you try." Another time he said, "Kṛṣṇa is residing in your heart. If he wants, there will be bhakti. He will help you to awaken your soul."

Thank you very much and I ask for the blessings of all vaiṣṇavas. If I have said anything wrong, it is only my material vision.

—Urmila Dāsi

transcribed from BhaktiZoom Seva Team call on the occasion of Guru-purnima, 2021