He Asked, "Are You Performing Bhajan From the Heart?"

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Following the orders of Vaiṣṇavas, I will try to remember and sing the glories of Śrīla Gurudev. I was born in a vaiṣṇav family in Jalandhar. Gurudev bestowed his auspicious presence on us while visiting Jalandhar every year. He gave me my name and performed my annaprāśana and other ceremonies. Although I had grown up sitting in the lap of Śrīla Gurudev, I had not even had a bit of knowledge of who is guru.

I would see Gurudev and offer praṇams like all do, though I never understood his hari-kathā. I was just spending my childhood in play. Considering me as a disturbance to hari-kathā listeners, I was kept outside the saṅkīrtana hall while Gurudev spoke. My mother told me that during evening arāti time I used to dance in the group of devotees as kids normally do. Seeing me dancing like this, Gurudev used to feel pleased. Innocently, I kept my back towards the deities when I danced, not knowing which direction I should face. At that time, Gurudev used to smile and indicate to me that I should turn my face towards Ṭhākurjī and dance. I do not remember it, but my mother used to tell me.  

My annaprāśana ceremony happened through Gurudev's lotus hands and when the child's inclination and taste were tested, I picked up a pen from among items around him, causing my parents and elders to think that I would become very intelligent and well-educated. But I had attained real knowledge having been blessed by a real vaiṣṇava association.  

If I try to think of when my attraction for Gurudev grew, I find that in spite of growing up in such a devotional environment, staying in the maṭha, and always hearing hari-kathā, I had only developed a little liking for kīrtana and did not have any special attraction for Gurudev like he is my Gurudev and that I should accept harināma and dīkṣā from him.  

Then by the grace of a Vaiṣṇava, I happened to read Gurudev's glories and characteristics in a magazine, and later reading other scriptures, I slowly developed a desire that I should accept harināma and dīkṣā from Gurudev.  

Thus in 2009, I got harināma and dīkṣā from Gurudev in Chandigarh. Initially, it was not to happen, as my name was struck out from the list of aspirants. But somehow it happened after they learned that I am the son of pūjārī at Jalandhar.  That time Gurudev had placed his lotus hand upon my head and in a very pleasant mood had placed the harināma-mala around my neck which is an occasion that I remember even today. I still hadn't realized what is guru, what is guru-tattva, and I had accepted harināma-dīkṣā with a general group mentality that everyone is accepting so I should also; that Gurudev is a great personality and all offer him praṇams and I will also do the same. 

Even now I haven't realized what is guru-tattva, but I have realized that to nurture this human body and ātma in the mode of goodness, to guide it in the right direction, to take it to the stage of perfection, and make it realize its real nature and relish the taste of devotion is Gurudev. Yet I still do not know the depth and seriousness nor the magnitude of the significance of guru in one's life. Yet I am in the process of bhajan.  

I will try to remember a small instance. That was the time when Gurudev was in Goalpara at his birthplace for two months just prior to his entering into sickness pastimes.  At that time he was residing in the guest house. I went there for a few days and used to have darśana of Gurudev every day. One day while I was offering praṇams, Gurudev asked me, "Do you know Bangla? Can you speak Bangla?" I said, "I know little." Then Gurudev smiled at me very mildly and then asked, "Are you performing bhajan from your heart?" (dilse bhajan hota hai to?) This was to be the final instruction to me that came directly coming from him. 

He had asked me this question but I could not then realize the magnitude of what Gurudev had asked me, what in reality were his words: does your bhajan happen at your heart's level? Then I realized slowly after listening to hari-kathā and by associating with vaiṣṇavas that the real meaning of Gurudev's words was: unless bhajan is performed with the involvement of our heart, it has no real meaning. We may perform any amount of external activities, but unless sevā or devotion is not performed through the heart, then no bhajan is happening in reality.  This is the final instruction I received from Gurudev.

—Nitya Gopal Das

spoken on 16 Apr 2020 




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