We Feel Unable To Receive His Mercy, But He Bestows It Nonetheless

Hey Gurudev, You are the redeemer of the fallen souls, a treasure house of mercy, and an ocean of grace. Do I have the strength to enter into that ocean of yours? This is also not possible without your grace. By your grace, we attain your grace. By your grace, someone can sing your glories, but I remain entirely unqualified to sing your glories with this sin-filled mouth.

Śāstras sing abundant qualities of guru and describe the philosophy of guru-tattva and its conclusions. But our attempts to contemplate these topics without your mercy and grace are deficient, seemingly few. Your grace is not bound by any limitations; it is unlimited and boundless.

Only by your grace can one attain even a speck of your grace. Even after coming into contact with a touchstone, if iron does not change to gold, the glories of the touchstone remain unknown. Hey Gurudev! So also after attaining a relationship with you, we can feel the ābhās (shadow, semblance) of your mercy and grace.

Probably in reality, I might not have been able to surrender unto you to such a degree by my heart, thoughts, mind, and body. I could not establish such a relationship with you, because of which I am in such a plight today. I realize that my mind always remains restless and uncontrolled seeking material happiness and sense gratification because I could not wholeheartedly accept and establish my relation with you. 

Hey Gurudev, even after your disappearance pastimes, your grace is raining but I am unfortunate, low, and destitute to not be able to receive your grace. It is due to my past or present karmas that I was not able to accept your instructions within my heart, nor was I able to follow them in my life. It is your instructions and orders that are the only way for a jīva's eternal welfare, but I could not choose that path.

Often becoming proud, I tried to buy a lot of scriptures and study them. During the initial stages of maṭha-vāsā, I had purchased the Mahābhārata and probably had only read the first canto. But then some doubt crept into my mind as I thought that I have not yet read Śrī Caitanya Bhāgavat or Śrī Caitanya-caritāmṛta, but I have begun reading Mahābhārata.

After some time, Gurudev happened to visit Vṛndāvan Maṭha during the Jhulan-yātrā festival. Although I had not spoken to Gurudev about the dilemma I was going through, he is antaryāmī and discussed the same topic in his hari-kathā. He said without a life ānugatya (following guru-varga) no one can make progress in devotional life. He spoke about the scriptures too and said that there are no specific comments by our Gauḍīya Ācāryas on many scriptures but the number of scriptures in Gauḍīya philosophy is so huge that in spite of studying them for many many lives, one will not be able to complete them. He further explained that it is not correct to attentively study various scriptures. Probably realizing my inner heart's desire to know that Gurudev had given those instructions.

How can I describe how merciful and compassionate Gurudev is? I recall that it was probably in 2004 (at which time I had been in the maṭha for about seven years), my mind was very disturbed for some reason or the other, and thoughts of returning back home were repeatedly coming to my mind. Again and again, I would try to steady my mind and reoccurring disturbances would arise and return to the idea of going home. Finally, I wrote a letter to Gurudev disclosing my mind and sent it through our god-brother Adhokṣaja Prabhu. I had written: Hey Gurudev, I never knew that the path of devotion is filled with so many thorns and probably I do not have the strength to walk on this path of thorns, so I wish to return back home taking your permission. 

At that time Gurudev was in Chandigarh. Adhokṣaja Prabhu handed over the letter to Gurudev which was written in Odia (Orissan language), so he asked our pūjārī, Nityānanda Prabhu, to read it to him. After hearing this, Gurudev asked him to call me. After the Chandigarh program, Gurudev was supposed to stay in Jalandhar, but after just one day of programs, suddenly Gurudev's health apparently declined and arrangements were made to take him back to Chandigarh. After the vehicle came and the luggage was loaded on, Gurudev suddenly called for me, remembering that he had asked me to come from Vṛndāvan. 

I had been waiting for my turn to get my head shaved when Viṣṇu Mahārāj came and told me that Gurudev wants to speak to me, so I went immediately wearing a gamcha (towel). When Gurudev saw me, he said, "Oh, it is you." Although he was almost ready to leave, he took an extended amount of time to convince me not to go home. He said:

See how Durvāsā Rsi tried to trouble Ambarish Mahārāj even to the point of killing him, but did Ambarish ever think of giving up hari-bhajan? No. Prahlad Mahārāj was troubled so much by his father but did he ever give up hari-bhajan? No, he never gave up. Haridas Ṭhākur was beaten in twenty-two marketplaces by the yavanas, but did he ever give up bhajan? No, never. You are facing some problem in the maṭha, someone said something, someone took away something and you want to give up bhajan and try to go back home? This is not correct. Because of great fortune a living entity comes to the shelter of Guru and the Lord and if you give up that and go, then how can you get auspiciousness? 

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For a full forty-five minutes, he spoke like this, trying to convince me. Amarendra Prabhu and Vishnu Mahārāj were looking at the time and indicating to Gurudev to get ready to leave, but Gurudev did not pay any attention to them. The point I want to make here is, in such a situation when Gurudev's health is not good and he was about to leave, see how much patience he had to engage a novice small child in bhajan. How fortunate are we to attain such a sadguru!

—Śrī Ādikeśava Das

Translated from Hindi, excerpted from a talk on April 16, 2020