He Never Actually Disappears
Srila Gurudeva’s disappearance pastime has shown me how the transcendental sound of mantra can connect us with Srila Gurudev and how happy he is when we singing Maha Mantra and Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur's songs for his satisfaction.
Since last January I felt so much pain in my body and strong desire to move to Kolkata and spend more time with Srila Gurudev. This pain was only increasing, I was crying and one week before his health problems began, I had just wanted to leave my job. Already I had talked with my boss and coworkers that I am wasting my time in the job and will go to India where I can do the eternal job.
I was surprised by what is going on with me and could not control my mind, my speech. I had no fear but complete trust that I am doing right. That time I did not know what is Krishna's desire for Srila Gurudev regarding his apparent health problems. Then I got information about Gurudeva's heart condition and I prayed for his darsan. By his mercy, everything was arranged and I got an emergency visa. Our embassy opened only for that reason because I requested for the last darsan here on earth of Srila Gurudev.
Although at that time officials from the embassy had a holiday, they met me, requesting who is Srila Gurudev. They felt sorry that this happening. Then I explained to my job that I just need 3 weeks of holiday and that I was so confused and disturbed because my heartfelt something is wrong. Boss said that he could not refuse my visit. He also said that he had felt inside that he was a completely different person. Usually, he is more strict and business-oriented, but this time he was full of love and care. Coworkers were also satisfied because I will not leave the job, just go for three weeks and will come back. All this situation was arranged by his divine grace. He always makes such a situation that in the end all included are benefited. This is his quality which is beyond all comprehension.
By his mercy, I reached Kolkata soon after I got news for his heart problems and low blood pressure. In three days, all project was finished in a job and got all documents for staying in India. Another very great thing that surprised me was that the embassy just established a new policy and I got a 5 years visa for staying in India.
The first day when I reached Kolkata, I got Srila Gurudeva’s darsan. Only tears were flowing from my eyes. About the experience of his disappearance pastime, I can not write because I have no capacity to explain it. Anything I can write can just destroy real experience. In reality, I spend most of my time in illusion. I need to sincerely trust and become capable to accept mercy in order to serve in reality. In this state, there is no need for material- gross bodily necessities like food, water, sleep. With proper seva, all is fulfilled. If we serve Krishna, we serve all. I don't know who is Srila Gurudev. I experienced that he is such a great soul that is nondifferent from Sri Krishna. I got the feeling that he is turning this world around. How I got such mercy from him that he accepted me is impossible to understand.
Now many times my mind is disturbed and I am scared that I will stay alone here and that I am not worthy disciple of such a great Śrīla Gurudev Bhakti Ballabh Tirtha Goswami Maharaj. When I read these words from His Divine Grace, I feel pacified and my faith is recovered:
Sree Sree Guru Gauranga Jayatah!
One day, Srivasa Pandit’s only son died as kirtan was going on in his house. Srivasa Pandit was afraid that the sounds of mourning from the women’s quarters would disturb Mahaprabhu while He was engaged in singing the Holy Names. So he went directly into the house and tried to quiet the women by explaining spiritual truths to them. When they still didn’t stop their loud lamentations, Srivasa Pandit threatened to throw himself into the river and drown. This had the desired result. Later on that night, after the kirtan came to a stop, Mahaprabhu said, “Something doesn’t seem right. Has a tragic event taken place in the pandit’s house?” Srivasa answered, “How can anything be wrong, when I have Your smiling face in my home?” But, some of the other devotees said, “Prabhu, Srivasa’s only son died in the evening, about an hour after sunset.” Mahaprabhu asked, “Why did no one say anything before now?” The devotees answered, “Lord, Srivasa told us not to, because he was afraid that it would interfere with Your pleasure from kirtan.” Mahaprabhu said, “How could I ever abandon devotees who love Me to this extent!” and started to cry.
After this, Mahaprabhu went inside and sat beside the child’s dead body and brought him back to life to ask, “Child! Why do you want to leave the house of such a devotee as Srivasa?” The dead child answered, “The few days that I was to spend in Srivasa’s house are over, now I am following Your wish in going elsewhere. I am a living being who has no independence; I cannot go against Your wishes. Please be merciful to me, that I never forget Your lotus feet, no matter where I go.” When Srivasa’s family members heard the child speak such wisdom, they immediately forgot their distress and stopped their mourning. Mahaprabhu said to Srivasa Pandit, “From this day on, Nityananda and I are your two sons. We will never leave you.”
-Excerpt from "Sri Chaitanya: His Life and Associates”
Srila Gurudev, Nitya Lila Pravista Om Bhakti Ballabh Tirtha Goswami Maharaj actually did not disappear from us, also is no need that we are close to him bodily to serve him. He and his words are always with us and we should spread them to those who were not so lucky to meet him when he was present on this planet. From Srila Gurudev we get tattva - transcendental reality, which can not be comprehended by material senses. I heard that he was like a tape recorder of the words of his Srila Gurudev Bhakti Dayita Madhava Goswami Maharaj. He did not deviate, even an inch. He is representative of all Gurus. We are so lucky to come into personal contact with Guru tattva.
Since last January I felt so much pain in my body and strong desire to move to Kolkata and spend more time with Srila Gurudev. This pain was only increasing, I was crying and one week before his health problems began, I had just wanted to leave my job. Already I had talked with my boss and coworkers that I am wasting my time in the job and will go to India where I can do the eternal job.
I was surprised by what is going on with me and could not control my mind, my speech. I had no fear but complete trust that I am doing right. That time I did not know what is Krishna's desire for Srila Gurudev regarding his apparent health problems. Then I got information about Gurudeva's heart condition and I prayed for his darsan. By his mercy, everything was arranged and I got an emergency visa. Our embassy opened only for that reason because I requested for the last darsan here on earth of Srila Gurudev.
Although at that time officials from the embassy had a holiday, they met me, requesting who is Srila Gurudev. They felt sorry that this happening. Then I explained to my job that I just need 3 weeks of holiday and that I was so confused and disturbed because my heartfelt something is wrong. Boss said that he could not refuse my visit. He also said that he had felt inside that he was a completely different person. Usually, he is more strict and business-oriented, but this time he was full of love and care. Coworkers were also satisfied because I will not leave the job, just go for three weeks and will come back. All this situation was arranged by his divine grace. He always makes such a situation that in the end all included are benefited. This is his quality which is beyond all comprehension.
By his mercy, I reached Kolkata soon after I got news for his heart problems and low blood pressure. In three days, all project was finished in a job and got all documents for staying in India. Another very great thing that surprised me was that the embassy just established a new policy and I got a 5 years visa for staying in India.
The first day when I reached Kolkata, I got Srila Gurudeva’s darsan. Only tears were flowing from my eyes. About the experience of his disappearance pastime, I can not write because I have no capacity to explain it. Anything I can write can just destroy real experience. In reality, I spend most of my time in illusion. I need to sincerely trust and become capable to accept mercy in order to serve in reality. In this state, there is no need for material- gross bodily necessities like food, water, sleep. With proper seva, all is fulfilled. If we serve Krishna, we serve all. I don't know who is Srila Gurudev. I experienced that he is such a great soul that is nondifferent from Sri Krishna. I got the feeling that he is turning this world around. How I got such mercy from him that he accepted me is impossible to understand.
Now many times my mind is disturbed and I am scared that I will stay alone here and that I am not worthy disciple of such a great Śrīla Gurudev Bhakti Ballabh Tirtha Goswami Maharaj. When I read these words from His Divine Grace, I feel pacified and my faith is recovered:
Sree Sree Guru Gauranga Jayatah!
One day, Srivasa Pandit’s only son died as kirtan was going on in his house. Srivasa Pandit was afraid that the sounds of mourning from the women’s quarters would disturb Mahaprabhu while He was engaged in singing the Holy Names. So he went directly into the house and tried to quiet the women by explaining spiritual truths to them. When they still didn’t stop their loud lamentations, Srivasa Pandit threatened to throw himself into the river and drown. This had the desired result. Later on that night, after the kirtan came to a stop, Mahaprabhu said, “Something doesn’t seem right. Has a tragic event taken place in the pandit’s house?” Srivasa answered, “How can anything be wrong, when I have Your smiling face in my home?” But, some of the other devotees said, “Prabhu, Srivasa’s only son died in the evening, about an hour after sunset.” Mahaprabhu asked, “Why did no one say anything before now?” The devotees answered, “Lord, Srivasa told us not to, because he was afraid that it would interfere with Your pleasure from kirtan.” Mahaprabhu said, “How could I ever abandon devotees who love Me to this extent!” and started to cry.
After this, Mahaprabhu went inside and sat beside the child’s dead body and brought him back to life to ask, “Child! Why do you want to leave the house of such a devotee as Srivasa?” The dead child answered, “The few days that I was to spend in Srivasa’s house are over, now I am following Your wish in going elsewhere. I am a living being who has no independence; I cannot go against Your wishes. Please be merciful to me, that I never forget Your lotus feet, no matter where I go.” When Srivasa’s family members heard the child speak such wisdom, they immediately forgot their distress and stopped their mourning. Mahaprabhu said to Srivasa Pandit, “From this day on, Nityananda and I are your two sons. We will never leave you.”
-Excerpt from "Sri Chaitanya: His Life and Associates”
Srila Gurudev, Nitya Lila Pravista Om Bhakti Ballabh Tirtha Goswami Maharaj actually did not disappear from us, also is no need that we are close to him bodily to serve him. He and his words are always with us and we should spread them to those who were not so lucky to meet him when he was present on this planet. From Srila Gurudev we get tattva - transcendental reality, which can not be comprehended by material senses. I heard that he was like a tape recorder of the words of his Srila Gurudev Bhakti Dayita Madhava Goswami Maharaj. He did not deviate, even an inch. He is representative of all Gurus. We are so lucky to come into personal contact with Guru tattva.
I apologize for all mistakes. All that I can give, is my subjective reality and material view of pastimes of Śrīla Gurudev.
Dandavat pranam to Radha Krishna, Guru varga and all Vaisnavas.
—Nandarani Dasi, Slovenia
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